Three Days of Mourning

Monday, 02 June 2012

My family was beside Mom on her death bed in the ICCU room.

I saw her body shaking violently... from the medicine injected to keep her heart from stopping.
I felt her body shaking, as I was holding her hand during her final seconds.
It was unbearable. No child should see their parent in such a state.

When the doctor stopped the CPR and said that she was gone,
I could only smile.

I kissed her forehead and her lips,
but I could only smile.

Everyone else was crying,
especially my father.

...but all I could do was smile back then.

I said thank you to the doctors and the nurses... and smiled.
All I could see was people giving me weird looks.

Looking back now...
I was probably still in shock.

After being cleaned, given formaldehyde, Mom was presented back to the family inside the coffin.
All dressed and beautiful.... like she's always been.
....and she was smiling. It was so nice of them to make her that way.
It was as if she was sleeping, which... in a way...
made it even harder for us.

My best friends were the first ones I told.
M couldn't come, but she came a few days earlier when Mom was still in the ICCU.
E is in Australia right now, so he could only do so much via text message.
S came. She cried in front of Mom. It was so sad, as if she was crying for me, in my place.

They all knew Mom and how kind she was. Mom used to give them a big hug them when they came to our house to play.

More friends and classmates from elementary-high school came around 10.00PM. About 15 of them.
Some of them had also lost their mothers, one of them, murdered. It was nice to have someone to empathize with and it was really thoughtful of them to come in such short notice.


We arrived home at 23:30PM... and I felt like a train wreck.
I still haven't cried. I think I was still in denial.


Tuesday, 03 June 2012

Tuesday was much MUCH harder for me.I didn't get a good rest last night and it was the first 24 hours
knowing that Mom wasn't with us anymore.

My college friends arrived unexpectedly and cheered me up.
About 10 of them came, some of them had grown pretty close to me.
I really felt comforted having them around, and since all of them lived far away,
the fact that they came at all really touched me.

There was a small service before closing the coffin lid.
Then I played the flute for Mom, with my Dad on the guitar and my cousin who sang so beautifully.

We sang "In Moments Like This".

After that, they sealed the coffin.
At the end of the day, I still haven't shed a single tear,
but I'm starting to feel the gravity of it all.


Wednesday, 04 June 2012

We took the coffin to the cemetery by hearse. I was in charge of holding her picture.

After the burial, beautiful flowers were places on top of her grave, covering every inch of it.

A lone butterfly came on to one of the flowers and lingered there for a moment.

I played the flute once more for Mom, a song she often hears me play at home.
She was the Mom who likes to watch me play games and could even follow the story of some of them.
She knew Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, all the way to games like Harvest Moon.
I've never met a Mom so cool in my life and so I thought she might appreciate a piece from a game I used to play.
So I played one of the song I often played at home...

"Fisherman's Horizon"

After the burial, the close family went to the mall to have lunch.
I used to go there with mom, just the two of us.
The memories came flooding in, like a dam that had just crumbled down.
It was incredibly painful.

Then reality fell on me completely
...the fact that Mom really isn't coming back.


Thursday, 05 June 2012 (Day 1)

The first day without numerous family members surrounding me.
The first day I truly felt lonely.

That night, I finally cried in Mom's bedroom.

I can't remember the last time I cried, but I do know that I've never cried as sad as this.
I cried my heart out in front of my Dad's lap.

In my cries I kept repeating...
how I didn't blame God one bit,
how I believe without a doubt that there is a divine purpose behind all this,
how thankful I was to have the opportunity to be raised by such a caring, loving mother,
how much I miss her,... how much it hurts,...
and how much I love her.

My Dad kept telling me how I will become an even stronger person after this.

That night, I prayed to God and told Him how I believed in his plans,
but I also told Him that the sadness was unbearable,
so I asked him to lift up the sadness in any way possible.

After that I slept out of exhaustion.


Friday, 06 June 2012 (Day 2)

The next day was just as bad as the one before.
What's worse is that people were starting to ask about administration matters,
important documents, how I'm gonna clean Mom's things, and things like that.

It was hard enough to keep myself together in the midst of all that chaos and havoc going on inside me,
let alone think straight.

Then came the regrets... and all the questions of doubt... and the guilt.
It's worse thing that could come to me that moment.

I'm blessed with a good memory, particularly in remembering moments,
and at that point, moments when I wished I was nicer, more patient with Mom during her sick days,
all of it came flowing back to my head. It was torture.
and so I ran to my Aunt's house, and I wept there also.

Again we prayed for consolation, and onto my regrets my Aunt said:
"Your Mom never,... not even once... told me that you were any of those negative things.
You were always the apple of her eye. I'm know she's very proud of you."
I wept even more, but it did cheered me up a little bit.


Saturday, 07 June 2012 (Day 3)

Grandpa and Grandma came to our house that afternoon.
Mostly to talk about the Comfort Service that will be held at our house that coming Sunday.
Grandma kept saying, "If you need help cleaning Mom's things, I'm here to help."

I cried a bit beside Grandma, but it wasn't long.

After a tiring course of events that day, I finally arrived home by nightfall around 8.00-9.00PM.
Then I walked to my Aunt's.

My cousin was already half asleep on the sofa,
and so I talked with my Aunt over the dining table.
We talked about Mom,
about the signs.
How God has carefully prepared me for this moment from a long time ago,
starting from having to do occasional grocery shopping,
to chores,
to household management,
to money management, how to go to the bank,
to how to handle car accidents,
down to employees' salary payment.
Then my Aunt said, "Hey, look at you, you're cheerful again!
Wow, you sure bounced back fast."


...and that's when I realized something magical has happened.


I wasn't sad anymore.
Sure, I still missed Mom, but it wasn't the heart slicing grief like before.
The sadness was gone.
I came to look at the clock, and it was just seconds before midnight.

I grieved for 3 days, and just before the 3rd day ended, my grief was lifted.

I went home, and put my emotions to the test,
before this, I couldn't bare to watch TV, or turn the computer on,
or even to listen to music.

They all passed and I could finally enjoy the things I used to like doing.

And after weeks of restless nights,
I could finally sleep well.


Sunday, 08 June 2012


During the service, I testified about this experience.
Which was nothing less of a miracle.

Who would've thought,
me,
above all people,
the closest one to Mom,
would only grieve over her death for 3 days. No longer.

I could see some people didn't believed me at first,
but my cheerfulness later on after the service, convinced them otherwise.
Then they started sharing; that it took them 3 months, some even years, to get over the death of their loved ones. They did however mentioned, "Indeed, I never did truly ask the Lord to lift my sorrows."

After that the atmosphere felt lighter, and we all sang and ate.
And I could finally smile the way I used to.

----

Now I'm testifying this on my blog so that I can share it with you.

Whenever you're sad or lonely, or when you feel like the world has just crumbled before your eyes,

try asking God to lift the burden off of you. He will send healing to you, one way or the other...

...as He did for me.